"not all who wander are lost"

daughter, sister, lover, laugher, smiler, writer, reader, reblogger, say so'er, eater, rhymer, never on timer.


this is at least what I sent to my person, I hope it helps people understand and helps other people to convey their thoughts and feelings- or lack thereof. it is important to note not all depression is the same with the same characteristics, this is just my side.
I didn’t decide to have depression, but I’m still sorry
I want to start off with saying, I hope you at least scroll through and skim some of this; the letter itself and the links attached as well. it means so much to me to get this all out there, and be this vulnerable. because it might be the last time I can before it gets too bad. I love you, and I know it bothers you I say it, for whatever reason, but I need you to know, ‘love’ is a powerful word to me, and if I have the opportunity to tell someone I love them because I genuinely do, I don’t want to miss out on that. I want you to know you matter, because I’m so scared of others feeling the way I feel sometimes, and it’s a big reason as to why I love making friends so much, because to me, everyone is worth something and you just need to make sure they see that too. if after going through this letter you decide you are definitely done with this, with us, I do have hopes that we could at least stay friends, because you are my best friend, and you’ve told me the same. I don’t want to lose that, but I think it’s worth the risk to explain what’s been going on lately.

I hope you didn’t block me before you got the last, most important text from me. I know I’m a lot to handle, and if you want to give up entirely, I understand and I can’t blame you, but if you’ll look through some of this stuff maybe you’ll understand better what’s going on, and it could help you be more helpful for me, because that’s what I need more than anything. but you’re in no way responsible for me or my heart. in the end, it’s all up to me to get rid of the toxic life I’ve been leading lately.
I sought emergency therapy tonight and although it didn’t do much, it helped enough to get me think things through more clearly than what my twisted mind is used to right now.

if you can and want to be there for me, please make an effort in that direction. please, please don’t be mean about this. I know you’re going to be frustrated by me blowing up your phone all night, but please look through some of this stuff and understand that sometimes although it is me physically doing the things I’m doing (like absolutely bawling my eyes out and you can’t think of a reason to save your life, or the anxiety attacks I’ve been prone to having as of late), it really is out of my control. I need someone now more than ever, and if you can’t be there I’ll do therapy as many times a week as I need until I’m better. I just want to be better.
I love you, and I don’t think anyone should ever not say that if they feel it. I just want to be better. I’m sorry. I want to overcome this, I need to prove that I’m better than this, because I am. I hope you think I’m worth it, because I can’t say I do right now.
Xx. P

p.s. I have you blocked now on my phone because I’m very terrified as to how you’re going to respond instantaneously when you see how many missed texts and calls you have, and I don’t think I could handle that right now. I would love if you would write me back, with kindness in your heart and words, or I suppose you always have the option of just not; not replying, not speaking to me, not seeing me, it’s all up to you.

I found this quote in one article to give you an idea at least of what’s going on, and why I am SO terrified because I’ve been in the state of depression so severe you physically and emotionally can’t seem to fathom any kind of emotion at all, including crying, that’s why I know just my crying outbursts are the calm before the storm that possibly could be lurking around the corner, and I’m terrified if it comes back I won’t be able to fight it off again, it’s just so draining and such a battle.
"In a depressive state, an individual may cry easily and without cause. In severe depression, an individual may lose the capacity to cry, despite feeling sad."

another article that can help explain it from my side of view sometimes:
this article is more of a list, it’s easy to read and really does exemplify everything I feel with this sickness:

last but not least because I know you’ll get side tracked after watching a youtube video, and because I feel this might be my last hope at getting through to you how I’m feeling in a more factual way since that’s more your forte:

Xx and always.

have you ever so badly wanted to be what you weren’t to be with someone who wanted someone just not you

i’d rather be anyone than myself right now

have you ever just loved someone so deeply and truly you couldn’t imagine your universe existing so beautifully without them in it, while they were indifferent to the role you played in their life

have you ever so badly just wanted to be special to someone in particular because they’re so special to you and it kills you inside because you know it’ll never happen, and they know it’ll never happen and you just force it for too long until it’s just over and then you feel like a shattered corpse of what could have been if you had simply just not hung up on him that one time

but when is the part where I stop feeling like I’m going to throw up constantly

hopefully he’s leaving, and not coming home to this.. awko

hopefully he’s leaving, and not coming home to this.. awko

(via be-sex)